In a startling development, the Biden Administration, Congressional Democrats, and billionaire New York Mets owner Steve Cohen – along with incoming leaders of the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) – have announced that instead of wasting more taxpayer money on Ukraine’s war against Russia, dynamic outfielder (and secretly elite Delta Force operator) Juan Soto will be sent to battle the evil forces of Russian dictator Vladimir Putin.

When asked what led to this decision, Elon Musk responded, “In light of the election results, Steve Cohen and the US Federal Government, both notorious money-wasting spendthrifts, decided to honor the will of voters by killing two proverbial birds with one stone. Instead of sending 750 billion in taxpayer money oversees where it will be siphoned off by corrupt bureaucrats and nefarious politicians, all Cohen had to do is outbid the Steinbrenner’s for the services of Soto, the rest took care of itself. Do you really think anyone is stupid enough to pay a man 765 million dollars to play baseball? Heck even the Pentagon only pays a quarter mil for a toilet seat…”

At publishing time it has been reported that former MLB stars David Ortiz and Derek Jeter along with the Walking Dead’s Negan were observed practicing amphibious landings armed with Louisville Sluggers embedded with rusty nails near Alex Rodriguez’ mansion in Miami. Experts caution however that this development may be unrelated as nobody really likes A-Rod anyway so this may have been a simple home invasion.